amk | Good Shepherd

Entry Six: I want to walk with you.

Heavenly Father,

I do not even fully understand what just took place this Christmas season. My heart is full of your love, and it was an absolute joy to serve the Christmas Masses as your priest. I have pondered for so many years, what life as a priest would be like during the Christmas season, and now that it is over, I am completely overwhelmed by your goodness.

This season of celebrating your Incarnation has left my heart completely full. Did everything go right, or the way I thought it was going to go? Of course not. A lot of things ended up being very different, but this does not mean that it was not good. You, O Lord, knew exactly what I needed. You knew the struggles that I had to endure in order to become more of the priest you desire me to be. You knew the joys and blessings that would encourage me to keep pursuing you and proclaiming your love. You understood the movements of my own heart better than I could possibly comprehend. You helped me during this season rely on your providence more than my own.

There were so many highs and lows that made me wonder how in the world I would be able to process anything, and yet, you, O Lord, were with me through it all. I went from one extreme—the mountaintop of beautiful liturgy conducive to entering into prayer—to the low extreme of silence in the rectory. You were with me through it all. I will never forget the joy in my heart celebrating Christmas Mass while reflecting upon your love for creation—how you would subject yourself to our finite, mortal nature, you who are infinite, you who are divine and the author of life. You immersed yourself in our sufferings. I will never forget that gift.

I will never forget the quiet moments this season—the moments when it was simply you and me. I will cherish these moments even more because of the difficulty and struggle. It was not easy being away from family this year. I used to have a couple of weeks off during this time because of winter break from school, and I would return home to spend time with family. Now, Lord, I am with you and your people. My life is not my own, and I try to turn to you during these moments when I feel saddened and alone, especially while experiencing the season of Christmas in my new home. What surprised me was that you did not take away the sad and lonely feelings, but you immersed yourself in them with me. You did not allow me to go through them alone. You did not have to say anything to me; a simple embrace from you was all I needed to understand that it was okay. You knew exactly what I needed.

During this season of Ordinary Time, when the Church walks with you through the events of your life and ministry, I want to walk with you just as you did for me these past couple of weeks. I want to place myself on the shore of Galilee and take in your words. I want to be present with you when you performed all the miraculous signs and wonders. I want to know more about you and learn from you. I want to be there with you so that I can continue to understand who you are and what you have revealed to us. I want to walk with you so that I can understand how the Divine underwent human life. You came to us so that we might have life with you; help me to remain close to you as the Church follows your earthly ministry so that I may have life abundantly..

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